Jay Barnes

Many of you have contacted me for updates to this site — oh boy, I am not so good about doing that. As a consolation, I have been telling quite a number of you that have e-mailed me about the stuff over at my livejournal which sooner or later, I end up moving here. This site is more or less just a “best of” of what I post over there, so if you’d like to see everything, that’s where it is.

http://shmivejournal.livejournal.com

And if you see anything over there that you think should get moved over here, let me know.

Rumor Has It

jay — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 16:40:29 +0000

jay: i am waiting for the day
jay: where Barbara and David Mikkelson of snopes.com
jay: have a messy breakup
jay: and you start seeing items like

jay: Claim: David Mikkelson is a total tool.
jay: Status: TRUE
jay: David Mikkelson is very well known in many circles for being a tool. One time he even forgot my birthday.
jay: Barbara “Soon To Be Divorcing Your Sorry Ass” Mikkelson

leah: hahaha

jay: Claim: Barbara Mikkelson is a Frigid Harpy
jay: Status: TRUE
jay: One time I asked her for a soda and she said we didn’t have any left, but later on I checked and we did, in fact, have soda. Lots of it. SHE’S A WITCH.
jay: David “The Ice Bitch is Finally Leaving and I Couldn’t Be Fucking Happier” Mikkelson.

“Maybe the dog just isn’t into you?”

jay — Sat, 31 Mar 2007 17:14:16 +0000

My friend Kylie works for a place that breeds dogs, trains them, and then gives them to blind people to use as guide dogs. It is noble work, sort of.

Part of her job is jerking off dogs. Some dogs can’t reproduce very successfully, so the humans have to intervene. They call it ‘collection,’ and I mean, you can call it whatever you want, it’s still jerking off dogs. She says that the other girls she works with never talk about it, like it doesn’t happen — like it’s The Thing That Shall Not Be Named. When she does it she has to disassociate. I knew a girl who used to work in a “massage parlor” — she did that too. Maybe it’s in the manual?

And okay, I know she raises the dogs and trains the dogs and exercises the dogs and takes care of them and everything else, but if anybody asks me what Kylie does for a living my eyes will light up and the first thing I am going to say is always going to be ‘Kylie jerks off dogs for money!’ while making the little hand motion.

Last night while hanging out with her I realized that according to the general rules of society:


jerking off dogs for money:	acceptable
jerking off dogs for free:	not acceptable
jerking off some guy for money:	not acceptable
jerking off some guy for free:	acceptable

It’s weird the way that flips around. I said to her that the worst part is probably the fact that the dog is really into it? After it’s over you have a new fan! She said that some dogs really aren’t into it and will fight you.

So basically, Kylie sexually assaults dogs for money. That’s right. Maybe think about that the next time you complain about your shitty job.

A message from your friendly neighborhood Jay Barnes

jay — Thu, 25 Jan 2007 20:50:49 +0000

Hi there. Many of you have contacted me for updates to this site — oh boy, I am not so good about doing that. As a consolation, I have been telling quite a number of you that have e-mailed me about the stuff over at my livejournal which sooner or later, I end up moving here. This site is more or less just a “best of” of what I post over there, so if you’d like to see everything, that’s where it is.

http://shmivejournal.livejournal.com

And if you see anything over there that you think should get moved over here, let me know.

-Jay (jay@bigmixup.com)

This website catalogues the things for which I cannot deny responsibility

jay — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 10:20:48 +0000

If you enjoy them, you should e-mail me or purchase a discount weasel ball. I am available for freelance comedy projects if that’s your thing.

Newer things from this past year:

Cadbury Egg Cake

Rock Paper Saddam! - The Painting

The Motel Pager Story

The Realists’ Guide to Shared Online Pictures (myspace, livejournal, facebook, personals)

Acts of Tenuous Subversion Week

My Various Neuroses (Holding Doors)

My Various Neuroses (Walking Down The Hall)

My Various Neuroses (Assorted)

My Various Neuroses (Assorted, Series II)

Some websites I am responsible for:

Rock Paper Saddam! (How you probably ended up here)

AntiMagnet

Weaselballs.com (We sell Weasel Balls, and that’s all)

Everybody’s Favorites:

Eat Thy Corn
fishmonger

Cheese Chicken
a game to play at the olive garden

The Story Of My Underpants
a story whose plot I refuse to give away in the descriptive tagline

The Refrigerator Roommate Story
how to make your roommate absolutely insane

Deriving The Most Indie Number In Existence
because everybody needs something to do

Scott Baio Haiku
is a pretty self explanatory title

Oops! Choco Donuts
a treatise on incorrect cereal

Cookie Dough
is better than cookies

Handicapped Goose!
will be there when all your friends abandon you

ET The Extra Terrestrial
will destroy your childhood

Cole Slaw Product Idea
because nobody actually likes it, so stop lying. Just stop it

Seriously Now, Who Let The Dogs Out?
we want to know

Conversation with Charles Darwin
who is rather touchy

The True Story Behind PostÂ® Grape Nuts(tm) Cereal
is rather surprising

Who do you love more & The International Cat Sound
everybody knows the international cat sound, they just don’t know they know

Kablammo, you are well!
and yet something is wrong with /me/

The Roselle Park Leader
has seriously disappointed me, yet again.

And how would your existence be complete without:

Jay Barnes Merchandise

I mean, honestly.

Cadbury Egg Cake

jay — Wed, 12 Apr 2006 10:00:24 +0000

Experiment:

Replace ordinary eggs in cake recipe with Cadbury Creme Eggs and observe results.

Hypothesis:

THIS IS GOING TO BE SO AWESOME

Ingredients.

This method does not work so well. You kind of have to just pull the eggs apart.

I took this picture after waiting about 10 seconds for something to happen. Cadbury eggs are a little yolk-shy. I am learning that basically, you just need to forget everything you THINK know about eggs because man, you don’t know anything. You know nothing about eggs. Eggs is like “You don’t know me! Don’t even play like you know me!”

But there are still ways…

And here we have our Cadbury Egg Yolk

And here we have our leftover Cadbury Egg shells.

So we throw them the fuck out!

… because this is a CAKE, people. A CAKE. Cakes don’t have shells! That would be RIDICULOUS! A cake with shells? You’re like a crazy person!

I had to microwave the yolk to reduce the viscosity enough to get it back out of the cup and into the mixing bowl. Mainly I’m telling you this because it permits me to use the word “viscosity” and I never get to do that.

The batter was sort of like glue after mixing it all together.

I was frankly surprised that the batter in the pans rose at all, but when I took them back out of the oven, they sort of deflated.

Later I tried to ice the cake, but it had some serious structural integrity issues and little cake pieces kept coming off onto the knife. I ended up using a can and a half of icing to avoid seriously damaging the cake.

And here she be. She’s a mess.

I tried a piece. I use the term “piece” loosely. For some reason, this cake tastes vaguely like Novocaine? I don’t know what that’s about.

CONCLUSION:

OKAY, FINE — WHATEVER. Fuck you. Cadbury Egg cake is somewhat less awesome than the experimenter had hoped. But that’s SCIENCE, people. Science! You experiment and you publish the results. Good or bad, right or wrong — we’re all better for it. The experimenter will also note that, upon excitedly telling a number of people of his cadbury egg cake idea, he met up with some degree of skepticism from friends and associates. He was told that the results would not only be poor, but a waste of time.

To these people, I say:

The Cadbury Egg Cake is a lot like LIFE. Even though you realize it’s probably not going to turn out the way you want it to, you do it anyway just to see how fucked up it’s actually going to get.

Here, have a big blurry slice.

My Various Neuroses (Holding Doors)

jay — Wed, 04 Jan 2006 12:00:13 +0000

You’re heading toward a door, just as you reach it, you notice someone else walking toward the door.

Do you hold the door for them?

It sounds obvious. It’s not. It all depends. First off, it depends on whether or not you know that person, or, if you do know them, how well. Are they male or female? If they’re female, do they seem like the kind of person who would take offense to door holding? Despite the fact that your door holding gesture is completely an act of (often forced) common courtesy and is not gender based — how do you convey that notion? If it’s a dude, the same rules apply. Is the dude going to suppose that you think he’s a lady and take umbrage with your gesture, however socially mandated it may be?

What is their EDAT (Estimated Door Arrival Time)?

This is important, because if they are very far away, you’re putting them in a position where they have to hurry their ass up and get to the damn door, lest you be standing there for a half hour holding it like an asshole. If they’re too far, they will feel obligated to do that little uncomfortable walk-run, and it’s impossible to do that and look cool. I don’t care if you’re James Fucking Dean, you just can’t do it. By “doing them a favor”, you’re actually just making them feel stupid — and that’s just one more reason they can add to the ever expanding list of why they hate you.
In general, people can, will, and do open the door for themselves when you are not around — but this is irrelevant, because you ARE around, and it’s quite possible that your failure to hold the door for them will clearly be seen as a slight — all depending on the distance they are from the door, which is completely NON STANDARDIZED.

What is the appropriate distance that you feel required to hold the door? 10 feet? 20? 30? 40? What is it?

It completely depends! And we’re not even taking into account weather, terrain or elevation.

I think I’m just going to start carrying a gun. When I see someone trying to make a play for the door, I yell “Motherfucker!” and shoot them in the ass with a tranquilizer. Whomever is around when they wake up can deal with the door situation.

What is the appropriate amount of time to hold a door for someone whom you’ve just attempted to shoot with a tranquilizer, but missed.

Motherfucker!

Various Neuroses (Assorted, Series II)

jay — Wed, 04 Jan 2006 03:34:17 +0000

email address alphabetization
If I send out an email to greater than 3 recipients, I will usually alphabetize the list so that no one will be able to ascertain the order in which I like them, or of their relative importance.

guy driving shirtless
Hey guy driving shirtless: YOU FOUND YOUR KEYS — FIND A FUCKING SHIRT. Stop pretending like this just happened randomly, because you’re full of shit. When you make that shirtless decision, you have to think of various things! Things that could be in an unordered list!

Am I too fat?
What if it gets cold?
What if it rains? Shirtless guy in the rain is just ridiculous!
What if a cop pulls me over? Since 89% of crimes are committed by the shirtless, I will not receive due process!
What if I need a Snickers? No shirt, no shoes, no SERVICE! I’ll have to pay some kid to run in and get one. Some kid with a fucking SHIRT — THAT THING THAT I DON’T HAVE.

Shirtless guy, you’re not fooling anybody. You’re shirtless guy because you made an active decision to BE shirtless guy. And yeah, you just keep on laughing low cut top girl, because we’re onto you too.

personal space
I used to work at a company with a lot of Russians on H1 Visas. I don’t know if this is universal, but it is my experience that Russian visitors are close-talkers. Like, really close.

They’d be all up in your grille “Hey, how are stress testing scripts coming along?” and I’d be all “OW, YOUR BEARD IS VERY SCRATCHY”, so we’d end up doing this gradual slow dance down the hallway, where I’d back up, and they’d get closer, and then I’d back up. Russia’s pretty big right? There is just no need to stand that close, Yakov Smirnoff.

My Various Neuroses (Assorted)

jay — Wed, 04 Jan 2006 03:30:19 +0000

disarm the cat
Recently I have noticed that, in moments of absent mindedness, I will unknowingly attempt to open pretty much every locked thing with my car alarm deactivation button. It doesn’t really matter where I am, at work, home, the bathroom, a funeral (hey, who keeps locking this casket?). So far, no luck.

beverages and free will
If I’m eating with someone, and I am about to grab my beverage for consumption — and at that very moment, the person I am eating with grabs THEIR beverage for consumption before I make a play for mine, I will set off an internal counter in my mind to let a sufficient time period elapse between the consumption of my own beverage, lest the other person feel as though they are influencing control over my free will.

uncomfortable noise regeneration
If I sit down on a leather or plastic surface that emits an audible squeak of a noise that could be misinterpreted as an UNCOMFORTABLE NOISE, I will make an attempt to replicate such noise in an exaggerated manner by being semi-restless on said surface so that anyone who heard the initial noise can rest assured that I alone was not responsible for its generation.

that which shall not be named
Since I am so poor at remembering names, somehow, without being aware of it, I have developed a system where I really never have to use them. It’s not even a situation where it’s mildly uncomfortable or awkward, it honestly just never comes up — and I don’t actively try for it, I guess it just happens? An ex-girlfriend’s mother discovered this adaptation when she realized that, during the entire 2 years of dating her daughter, I had never referred to her by name or title of any kind. The mother, that is, not whatsherface.

My Various Neuroses (Walking Down The Hall)

jay — Wed, 04 Jan 2006 03:27:26 +0000

There’s a rather narrow hallway, and you’re in it fairly often. Often, you’ll see someone you know, and say “Hello.”

Then, some time later, you see them again. Do you say “Hello” again, or just continue about your business? Do you even acknowledge their presence? Do you make eye contact? You have no more Hellos left. What is the timeframe for Hello regeneration? It’s not necessarily a day, is it? If it isn’t, then what is it? You tell me.

The following are not viable options:

“You’re still here?”

“Fancy seeing you here again”

“Hello — AGAIN”

“Best Hallway Ever, Man”

“WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN SAY AT THIS POINT? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? WHAT? WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU? CAN’T YOU JUST STAY IN YOUR OFFICE? I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE CHOKING ON A SCONE! STOP TURNING RED AND ANSWER ME!”