Various Neuroses (Assorted, Series II)
email address alphabetization
If I send out an email to greater than 3 recipients, I will usually alphabetize the list so that no one will be able to ascertain the order in which I like them, or of their relative importance.
guy driving shirtless
Hey guy driving shirtless: YOU FOUND YOUR KEYS — FIND A FUCKING SHIRT. Stop pretending like this just happened randomly, because you’re full of shit. When you make that shirtless decision, you have to think of various things! Things that could be in an unordered list!
- Am I too fat?
- What if it gets cold?
- What if it rains? Shirtless guy in the rain is just ridiculous!
- What if a cop pulls me over? Since 89% of crimes are committed by the shirtless, I will not receive due process!
- What if I need a Snickers? No shirt, no shoes, no SERVICE! I’ll have to pay some kid to run in and get one. Some kid with a fucking SHIRT — THAT THING THAT I DON’T HAVE.
Shirtless guy, you’re not fooling anybody. You’re shirtless guy because you made an active decision to BE shirtless guy. And yeah, you just keep on laughing low cut top girl, because we’re onto you too.
personal space
I used to work at a company with a lot of Russians on H1 Visas. I don’t know if this is universal, but it is my experience that Russian visitors are close-talkers. Like, really close.
They’d be all up in your grille “Hey, how are stress testing scripts coming along?” and I’d be all “OW, YOUR BEARD IS VERY SCRATCHY”, so we’d end up doing this gradual slow dance down the hallway, where I’d back up, and they’d get closer, and then I’d back up. Russia’s pretty big right? There is just no need to stand that close, Yakov Smirnoff.
