The Realists Guide to Shared Online Pictures (myspace, livejournal, facebook, personals)
Facial Obscurity
- If the user’s face is partially obscured in their picture, either the non obscured portion is horribly disfigured in some sort of bizarre phantom-of-the-opera type fashion or user has surmised that the ugliness of their face can only be stomached by revealing it in tiny disconnected sections. Much like returning to the tattoo parlor for several sessions in order to chop up the pain and discomfort of your totally-awesome and totally-original butterfly ankle body art into more easily digestible bite sized chunks, user employs the same strategy with closely cropped shots of a their right eye, a portion of their leg, a cinder block and an index finger.
- If the user’s face is overly bright, they’re zitty.
- If the user’s face is overly foggy, it’s probably not some sort of meteorological phenomenon.
Distraction
- If all of the user’s pictures are of user making a silly face, user thinks that you will be distracted from the harsh realities of their actual face which may in fact be rather silly in and of itself — even in a state devoid of hypersillyness. What the user is simply attempting to pull off is called a ‘controlled silly’.
- If the user’s breasts are being showcased in their picture along with user’s face, this may be an attempt to distract you from user’s face in the hopes that one will overpower the other, or at the very least, they will cancel each other out.
- If the user’s breasts are being showcased in the aforementioned picture without user’s face, user may be well aware that the juxtaposition is still not sufficient enough to warrant the attempt.
Misdirection
- If user, instead of having pictures of themselves, instead posts pictures of attractive celebrities mainy famous for their celebrity in a variety of suggestive poses, user is probably fat. (why this happens to be true is not known)
Unlimited Attempts
- It should be noted that user has full discretion over whatever picture they might upload as the representation of themselves. If the picture that they have chosen is ugly, it can be reasonably derived that the reality is much harsher, because user was given an infinite amount of opportunities to post a picture that makes them look a lot better than they actually do and they have still failed.
No Picture Provided
If user has no pictures of their face, a variety of conclusions may be speculated upon:
- User does not have access to picture taking facilities
- User wants to maintain some semblance of anonymity
- User is ugly, user knows they are ugly (good for u-ser)
- User is attractive but incredibly self-conscious
- User is extremely attractive, but would like people to judge them based on the merits of their personality (user also owns a unicorn and is a billionaire)
- User says they’re a chick, but they’re totally a dude!!!!!
- TOTALLY A DUDE, MAN!!!!! THAT’S CRAZY
FIN
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