My Various Neuroses (Holding Doors)
You’re heading toward a door, just as you reach it, you notice someone else walking toward the door.
Do you hold the door for them?
- It sounds obvious. It’s not. It all depends. First off, it depends on whether or not you know that person, or, if you do know them, how well. Are they male or female? If they’re female, do they seem like the kind of person who would take offense to door holding? Despite the fact that your door holding gesture is completely an act of (often forced) common courtesy and is not gender based — how do you convey that notion? If it’s a dude, the same rules apply. Is the dude going to suppose that you think he’s a lady and take umbrage with your gesture, however socially mandated it may be?
What is their EDAT (Estimated Door Arrival Time)?
- This is important, because if they are very far away, you’re putting them in a position where they have to hurry their ass up and get to the damn door, lest you be standing there for a half hour holding it like an asshole. If they’re too far, they will feel obligated to do that little uncomfortable walk-run, and it’s impossible to do that and look cool. I don’t care if you’re James Fucking Dean, you just can’t do it. By “doing them a favor”, you’re actually just making them feel stupid — and that’s just one more reason they can add to the ever expanding list of why they hate you.
- In general, people can, will, and do open the door for themselves when you are not around — but this is irrelevant, because you ARE around, and it’s quite possible that your failure to hold the door for them will clearly be seen as a slight — all depending on the distance they are from the door, which is completely NON STANDARDIZED.
What is the appropriate distance that you feel required to hold the door? 10 feet? 20? 30? 40? What is it?
- It completely depends! And we’re not even taking into account weather, terrain or elevation.
I think I’m just going to start carrying a gun. When I see someone trying to make a play for the door, I yell “Motherfucker!” and shoot them in the ass with a tranquilizer. Whomever is around when they wake up can deal with the door situation.
What is the appropriate amount of time to hold a door for someone whom you’ve just attempted to shoot with a tranquilizer, but missed.
- Motherfucker!