Handicapped Goose!
The other day I was browsing around on PetFinder.com for pictures of birds (because I like pictures of birds) and I noticed that, compared to cats and dogs and various other pets there is a rather small number of birds on the site — and that this was sort of unusual. But then I get to thinking that this is probably because of the fact that if you and your bird have a fight, or say, you suddenly come to a point in your relationship where you have collectively decided and declared irreconcilable differences, you can show the bird the door and the bird will fly away — and most likely, not come back. This is not the case with other pets. A cat can hate you, but it will continue to return for you to feed it. For a bird to come back, this would be much more unusual, unless of course, it loves you.
But it won’t come back, because it doesn’t love you. Now, I am not saying that the bird doesn’t love you because birds are incapable of love. No, that is not what I am saying. I am saying the bird doesn’t love you because I know you, and you know you, and I think that we can both agree that maybe you’re not really worthy or deserving of love. Face it, you’re a jerk. I know this, the bird knows this. You’re not fooling anybody.
So I’m sitting here looking at pictures of our fine feathered friends and what should I see before mine eyes but a GOOSE! That you could have! For a pet! HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE? To have a goose? Mighty awesome, I’d say.
And not only is it a goose, but a HANDICAPPED GOOSE! This goose isn’t going ANYWHERE, buddy.
So naturally, I began imagining my life with my new theoretical pet goose.
I would come home after a long day at work, place my fedora on the hat stand and loosen my tie. The goose, of course, would be there already, waiting for me. As I lit my pipe and grabbed the newspaper, I would see the goose and would exclaim:
“HELLO GOOSE!!!”
And the goose who, knowing what time I usually got home, had already hobbled over on some crutches to wait for me, would say:
“HONK HONK HONK!!!”
Believe me, it would be great.
Not only that, but as far as making up excuses as to why you are incapable of doing undesirable work-intensive activites for friends and family, the handicapped goose is my ace in the hole!
jimbo: Hey Jay, want to come help me move into my apartment October 5th? It will be fun! Honest! We really need to help.
jay: Sorry Jimbo, I’ve got a handicapped goose on my hands over here.
jimbo: Oh right. I Forgot. Sorry.
jay: Don’t feel SORRY for the goose. He’s LIVING with his disability. He didn’t ask for your pity.
jimbo: Sorry.
jay: I JUST SAID FOR YOU TO NOT BE SORRY!
jimbo: That’s not what I meant!
jay: He’s a HUMAN BEING, JIM, just like you and me — TREAT HIM LIKE ONE. The goose doesn’t need your pity! GOOD DAY TO YOU!
sarah: I’m stuck at the airport and it’s been 3 hours and my ride hasn’t shown up and there is this suspicious looking guy across from me and he looks like he has a kni…..
jay: Sorry! Can’t talk now. I’ve got a handicapped goose on my hands over here! He’s like a normal goose, except you know, he’s handicapped. He requires constant attention — the kind of attention only a caring nurturer like myself can provide… For a goose… Who is handicapped.
NJ Lottery Spokesperson: You have been randomly selected to win one mill..
Jay: blahblahblah HandicappedGooseSorryGottaGoBye!
Like I said, it would be great.